Miserably At Best :: Recent Entries

Title:	3:23AM
Date:	2009-11-15 @ 03:24
Security:	public
Location:	living room
Music:	the best day taylor swift
Mood:	content

it's been a while. it was late so i figured i could update... umm. i relapsed in august and cut. the 25th will mark 4 months. like they say everything happens for a reason so i guess it was just a rock in my tracks and i need to keep on tracking. ha. like my play on words? school is going by super fast this semester. i'd given up dating in july for the rest of the year, im glad ive stuck to that. it's made everything a lot easier. though there are two guys in my life right now that are still causing me heartache. it never ends. one is my ex who will never be out of my life as i've realized this year. i basically tried to push him away at the end of summer and yet we're talking again. though we havent seen each other since around july. i dont really wanna see him. you know how when you have that ex, that first love that part of you'll always love and always be jealous if there with someone else? yea thats how it is w/ us. whenever im with him im totally in love with him. but then i realize it's just that old part of me in love with that young part of him. we're two totally different people now, our personalities and lifestyles are on two totally diff sides of the spectrum. but yet we've gone thorugh so much together that we just always come back and end up talking. ive gained like 20lbs this year maybe more. i look fat enough to be on the biggest loser. ugh. currently i have no eye lashes on top, very few on bottom and no eye brows. i dont feel anxious lately but i know ive been so busy with homework stuff that maybe that has just caused anxiety. also my grandpa has finally given up on life. he's no longer eating, driving do anything really. he's so skinny. he's ready to die. most of the family has accepted this and is basically at the point where we think "if he wants to die let him die" kinda thing. he's in his mid-late 80's and my grandma pasted away 2 yrs ago. he's nothing without her. he just drinks allll day. but because of this its causing so much stress on my dad which is causing him to drink everyday and be drunk by like 3pm and its just ugh.. i just cant wait until break for winter. and then i need to come up with money for the winter semester. i signed up for social security disability stuff. cause i have no health insurance right now. so yea i can see now the anxiety stuff but i just try not to think about it. i mean over all ive been pretty content lately. i went to church a few days before halloween and broke down crying. ever since then i've just felt like a bunch of pressure is off me and im alot more calm. hmm i think thats it with this update. im off. ill try to write more now.

:: +Memory :: Tell a Friend :: Reply

Title:	"and lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil"
Date:	2009-09-06 @ 07:03
Security:	public
Music:	silence
Mood:	disappointed

2 years... 11 months. 12 days.

19 days shy of 3 years.

temptation, addiction and crave.

i gave in.

now i'm on hour one.

may the clock of not cutting begin again.

:: +Memory :: Tell a Friend :: Reply

Title:	ughhh stupid boys and their games
Date:	2009-08-17 @ 03:32
Security:	public
Location:	living room
Music:	the fan of the computer
Mood:	discontent

"i thought about it this past weekend.. a lot of my friends say to keep pushing and maybe you'll realize that you should pick me while others say to stop pushing it, cause guys hate when girls push. I'll stop pushing. I'll stop writing. And i wont look for you at school. ill still be here if you ever change your mind and ever want to jus talk. but im done trying. because the harder i try, the worse it makes me feel, the more rejected i feel. so you get what you want."

i wrote that to tony today. i deleted every webpage of his I have saved. I'll keep him on my yahoo msnger due to the fact if i delete him and he wants to msg me ever again he wont be able to if he isn't on my list. sooo yeah.

:: +Memory :: Tell a Friend :: Reply

Title:	update much?
Date:	2009-08-04 @ 23:25
Security:	public
Location:	living room
Music:	the computer and the wind blowing
Mood:	exanimate

ive been thinking a lot lately.. so i figured i'd write it down.

i think a lot about high school, well okay, i think a lot about the time from high school till now. it seems like so much has changed in other peoples lives yet not mine. i'm still some what undecive on what i want in my life. i have no job, i have no license, no car. i live at home.. i don't go out much. i've been looking at pictures of myself from this summer and i've lost myself. i'm not that girl anymore that i used to think, okay i'm bigger, that's okay, i'm still beautiful. because there is a point where you can be plus size and still beautiful but when you stop carrying yourself a certain way and then gain even more weight. it's a disaster.

the last 2 days. i've slept. seriously i've only gotten up to eat or use the rest room. In the last 48 hours I've been up less than 15 hours. i've tried to escape everything that i've been thinking about... it hasn't worked out very well... If i'm not thinking about it, I'm dreaming about it.

I was stood up twice this past week by my exboyfriend. We aren't dating technically. But we've said we won't see other people. Only one another. We only see each other in the wee hours in the morning between like 2am-8am. We never go out in public. His friends hate me. My friends don't really care for him either. We've been like this for several months now. It all started because I thought if by doing this he'd fall in love with me... as the months went by I've been feeling like he's putting me on the back burner just to use. I've said here and there that i'd had enough yet always went back to him. Yet i've finally reached that point. That point where what everything my friends have said and what i've been telling myself yet avoiding has kind of kicked in. I know i was just that girl he was using. I knew that when I went into the situation. I didn't really realize it until finally I realized I didn't love him anymore. We didn't see each other in over a month and I didn't really care to see him. When we did see each other it was just two friends. Nothing special. He said about a week ago that i'd left him frusterated the last few times we'd hung out cause i didn't give him anything... if you know what i mean. i didn't do anything because i don't feel that way towards him anymore. I'm not gonna be that girl that he's just going to use and then put back on the back burner and wait to call when he wants some. no, i'm not that chick. i may have been at one time, but not anymore. this past week we were gonna hang out on monday, he didnt answer my calls/ims.. the next day he said he'd fallen asleep. so we went for thursday to hang out. he was online, on myspace. didn't answer my ims, or phone calls. he hasn't answered them since. i find it almost funny.

Oh Journal... why is it i always come back to you...

summer has a month left. i've met someone... he's amazing. something new. not like the rest of them. everything is being taken slow. that's good right? we flirt but no one has mentioned anything that has to do with a relationship. he's extremely smart, intimidating smart but he accepts me for me.

it's been a week since joe and i quit talking. thinking about kicking him in the nuts keeps me feeling better.

i figured out my la friend is still alive. yet he's ignoring me too and has been all summer.

I KNOW things come and go. friends. its ~~life~~. i know. its hard for me to let things go.

im signing up for classes on sunday. 2 sign language and 2 communications classes. so in 2 classes i'll be just signing and 2 ill be talking. haha.

mom is gonna get me into a counselorr soon so ill be going for a month and a half. i need to get the dates off my old journals of havenwyck times.. then i can sign up for disability.

thats it for now i guess.

:: +Memory :: Tell a Friend :: Reply

Title:	it's been a long time...
Date:	2009-04-10 @ 01:10
Security:	public
Location:	living room
Music:	if i were a boy
Mood:	complicated

i'm sick of waiting for you. i want to be with you. i want to spend the rest of my life with you. but until you say you feel the same... i'm done trying.

i guess that, what i wrote up there. brought me back here.
which was a boy.
figures.

I hadn't come to this site for so long because life was going so good.
I had no reason to vent and write anymore.
Plus I've been so damn busy with school.

I thought I'd found my Mr. Right. I mean I've known him for years. We've dated.
But i thought we were gonna get married and be perfect.

but. no.

i sent these to him earlier cause it reminds me of how i feel...:

:: +Memory :: Tell a Friend :: Reply

Title:	it's been a while.. i know. sorrry.
Date:	2008-11-07 @ 01:10
Security:	public
Location:	home
Music:	always waitin'
Mood:	cheerful

Lets see... what's gone on since the last time i wrote..

Schools been in session
I went on like 5 dates with a guy from Clio that is now gone off into the army
my ex boyfriend is confusing me
i poured soda on this annoyin guy at school
i got a 4.0 in one of my classes
i think ima offically type 2 diabetic. but im not sure
my mom treats me like im her counselor...
and ive been wanting to tell her for 2 weeks i wanna go see a counselor but idk how to tell her...
its been 2 years and 2 months since i havent cut.
but i cant say that about oding... yeah. i kinda gave into that.
uhmm... my dad says im 100lbs overweight but yet tells me to eat candy...
evan and max had the guts to show up at my house 2 weeks ago
my niece was dorthy and my nephew was a scarecrow for halloween. i have pics.
on halloween i babysat.
and hung out with my friend sara.
i still don't have a license.
i didn't vote. even tho i wanted to.
im scared that our country isnt ready for a mixed president. im afraid that he's gonna get assisinated like MLKjr.
i wanna read twilight before the movie comes out.
my favorite class this semester is philosophy. i love it.
speaking of philosophy i was supposed to email my professor an email yesterday...shit.
umm.. what else....
i changed my major again... ive offically made up my mind:
i'm going to school to get my degree for sign language interpreting.
1. i only have 3 semesteres to go for it and i'd have 6-8 for the other.
2. you make good money and can work in all diff kinds of settings. from schools/government/hospitals/deaf community/etc.
my best friend is due in 2 months and im still trying to figure out what to get her for the baby shower.
yet i already bought her christmas gift.
and her birthday is in... a week? lol
my niece is spending the night tomorrow.
and now im just rambaling. so ill post the pics of my niece and nephews costumes now.

the two of the kids. and then seperately:
Savannah as Dorthy:

& Brock as a Scarecrow:

:: +Memory :: Tell a Friend :: Reply

Title:	emo boy
Date:	2008-09-12 @ 00:43
Security:	public
Mood:	tired

:: +Memory :: Tell a Friend :: Reply

Title:	i had 14 hrs of sleep, && im still tired. wtf
Date:	2008-09-11 @ 15:08
Security:	public
Location:	home
Music:	the computer making weird noises
Mood:	tired

I think i have a sinus infection but unless my snot is green or i have a fever the doctors can't really do anything. therefore whats the point of going to the doctor and paying $25 just to have him tell me what i already know.

For the last few weeks in the morning when i wake up i feel really nauseated, like i'm going to get sick, all i do is gag, i never actually get sick. My mom said its the mucas and such from the sinuses. She said try taking the medicine at night before bed for a few nights, if it doesn't get better, we'll make a doctors appt next week.

Of course last night i fell asleep without taking any of my medication because i fell asleep on the couch, watching tv, at 10pm.
at like 4am barely awake i moved to my bed and didn't get up till around 2pm.

so i just took the sinus medicine and ate stuff cause after i eat about 30 min after eating i usually feel better as long as i have some kinda carb substance in my stomach. (crackers and such)

and then lately ive had earaches + headaches + pain in my teeth all at the same time. and the pain is only in my baby teeth areas. so i'm going to the dentist today and i'm going to tell them about it. i think its just from the sinus pressure but just to make sure.

i know they say getting too much sleep is bad for you, but i usually sleep this much, i just feel so agusted(sp), my body hurts everywhere. blah. i hate allergy season.

on another note. class has begun. its been 2 weeks and my ASL class which only meets once a week for 4 hrs has yet to begin. the first week was labor day so we didn't have class, then this week we had a bomb threat so class was canceled. blah. this sucks.

I LOVE my philosophy class. We're reading plato right now. about mino and socrates. Oh my gosh, its so interesting. Some of it is hard to understand yet its so interesting that I can't wait till we talk about it in class.

My communications class is like a speech class almost but i feel like im going to a therapy session each week. my teacher is a counselor for the mental health system. so far we have disscussed the right kind of love and the wrong kind of love, and the wrong ways of thinking. nothing about speech or communication.

and then.. sociology. so this is my 2nd time taking sociology. and honestly, i would had rather taking it with the last teacher again. LoL. this professior, idk if its because its his first time teaching at mott, or because he's young, or what. but i just don't like his teaching style. the way he words things is weird, and he's a huge movie buff and compares like everything to movies, which is kinda nice cause it gives you a mental picture of things. but the thing i dont like is the 2nd class day i took 15 pages of notes. in that i didnt really hear anything he said i was too busy writing. finally this week he decided to put everything on the blackboard. i guess he realized we were so busy writing that we didn't get his message. lol. the nice thing is his tests are multiple choice and not essay like the prof i had before.

ughh... ima go brush my teeths and and try not to fall asleep. lol i wonder if the allergy/sinus pill has that stuff that makes you drowsy in it, cause i was awake before i took it. LoL.

toodles.

:: +Memory :: Tell a Friend :: Reply

Title:	100 adjectives
Date:	2008-09-04 @ 22:05
Security:	public
Music:	keep bleeding love
Mood:	accomplished

i was bored and found 100 adjectives to describe myself... can you do that too? hmm? (oh and it took me like a half hour to put them in alaphabetical order... ha)

1. analytical
2. anxious
3. arrogant
4. awkward
5. beautiful
6. bitchy
7. blunt
8. breakable
9. bruised
10. careless
11. childish
12. christian
13. chunky
14. clumsy
15. cluttered
16. colorful
17. complicated
18. crazy
19. creative
20. curious
21. damaged
22. dependent
23. determined
24. doubtful
25. dreamy
26. driven
27. educated
28. emotional
29. envy
30. family-oriented
31. fearful
32. fighter
33. forgiving
34. frank
35. greatful
36. green-eyed
37. gullible
38. hateful
39. headstrong
40. helpful
41. hopeful
42. hopeless
43. humorous
44. imaginative
45. imperfect
46. intelligent
47. intense
48. introverted
49. Inquisitive
50. irrational
51. jealous
52. judgemental
53. lazy
54. liar
55. liberal
56. lonely
57. lost
58. loving
59. memorable
60. mistaken,
61. moody
62. musical
63. mysterious
64. naive
65. needy
66. nocturnal
67. observant
68. opinionated
69. optimistic
70. outspoken
71. overdramatic
72. passionate
73. patient
74. philosophical
75. promiscuous
76. protective
77. psychological
78. reflective
79. romantic
80. rude
81. secretive
82. seductive
83. self-conscious
84. selfish
85. sensual
86. sexual
87. shameless
88. shy
89. spontaneous
90. strong
91. stubborn
92. talkative
93. thoughtful
94. tired
95. trustworthy
96. unique
97. unpredictiable
98. unresponsible
99. verbal
100. writer

:: +Memory :: Tell a Friend :: Reply

Title:	class schedule
Date:	2008-09-02 @ 00:23
Security:	public
Location:	home
Music:	none
Mood:	curious

School starts for me on Wednesday. I go Mondays and Wednesdays.

MW: Communicatoins/Interpreting skills: 10am-11:55am
MW: Intro to Sociology: 12:00pm-1:25pm
MW: Intro to Philosphy: 2:30pm-3:55pm
M: American Sign Language III: 5pm-8:55pm

:: +Memory :: Tell a Friend :: Reply

Advertisement

Advertisement